Quietly Leading

Today is one of those gross, winter days in Maryland where it is 35 degrees F and raining. The chill cuts all the way through you, especially when you're attending the funeral of a good friend. My friend Mark passed away suddenly on Monday from an aneurysm. He was 60 years old and leaves behind a loving wife, wonderful daughter, son-in-law, mother, brothers and nieces and nephews. I'll miss him immensely, as will many, many others.

Seems a strange way to start a blog on leadership, but there is a point. My family and I attended his wake and memorial prayer service at our home parish last night and his funeral today at his home parish. Mark's wife is the Pastoral Life Director at our church and for much of the last decade he worked extensively with the young people of our parish preparing them for confirmation. Speaker after speaker last night and today, even our own Archbishop, spoke of Mark's quite and peaceful nature and his creativity and unwavering service to the Catholic Church but more importantly to the youth of our church. That is most evident by the large number of teary eyed youth that were in attendance at the prayer service and funeral.

But beyond his obvious service to youth and the numerous local and national awards Mark won while doing that service, another notion was mentioned by many: Mark was always present and engaged. If you were with him, he was with you, no distractions, no random thoughts; he was engaged in your conversation. Mark looked you in the eye, listened to your words, watched your non-verbal language and heard both. I remember a conversation we were having three or four years ago and I guess I mentioned my daughter and some boy she was involved with at the time. My daughter was probably 14 at the time and his daughter was 24 or 25. Mark spoke of some of the boys that his daughter had brought home and how he embraced them until the relationship ended. Her current boyfriend at that time, now her husband, Mark recognized was different and he spoke of the joy he had of watching their love blossom. He didn't say it overtly, but I now realize he was helping me prepare for what I'm seeing now that my daughter is in college and is having more serious relationships. Mark wanted me to know, without saying it bluntly, that I was raising an intelligent and caring young woman who would make the right decisions in her relationships.

I never thought of Mark in terms of mentoring to me. My wife has helped with the confirmation classes for five or six years and I think she would agree that he mentored her. Reflecting on times when I spoke with Mark, I think he was mentoring me while also leading me to make good decisions about my family and my faith. I'm sure many, many others had the same experiences with Mark that I had. Maybe that's the most important leader of all: the quiet, unimposing leader.

I don't normally do "New Year's Resolutions." I typically try to take some time off at the holidays and reflect on what went well last year and how I can make next year better. But in listening and reflecting on what I've heard said about Mark, I'm going to try to be a better leader and mentor in 2015. I'm going to try to listen more and be distracted less. I'm going to try to leave my phone in my pocket when in meetings and engaged in conversations. I'm going to try to be more present with my team at work, my committee with CSI, the Mission and Planning Council at church, my sons' boy scout troop and cub scout pack and most importantly with our family. I think if I can all do these things, I'll be a better leader, better mentor and much better husband and father.